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That will enable you to get more information and understand the situation better. Watching and listening quietly, like Sheriff Walt Longmire, shows a person respect, and helps them deescalate. Remind yourself that a hasty response is not the best. Take a deep breath deep breathing is the first step to de-escalate your emotions. You may feel an impulse to respond quickly. Listening doesn’t come naturally when you’re under attack! You get triggered. Let’s consider some ways we can respond to an accuser that keeps their emotions, and ours, in the foreground. It’s likely to make them angrier, because you aren’t addressing their emotional plea.Īll these reactions have something in common: they’re quick attempts to cope with unpleasant emotions without dealing with the emotions directly. A calm, rational response brushes off the emotions of an accuser. Calm rationality may keep things from escalating, but it misses something big: blame is not a search for truth it is not motivated by a desire to hold people accountable it is, as Brené Brown says, a discharge of anger, discomfort, and pain. This is a kinder, gentler form of defending yourself. In the long run, defensiveness makes matters worse. Refusing to listen to their feelings will prevent the situation from getting resolved. Defending yourself is telling an accuser that they’re wrong, and that they have no basis for feeling the way they do. It’s not my fault… I didn’t intend to… That’s not what happened., etc. Even if your accuser has done something wrong, the time to bring that up is not when they are blaming you. Counter-Blaming.īlaming an accuser is guaranteed to escalate into a fight. Taking the blame for something we didn’t do, to get an accuser off our back, perpetuates an untruth. You don’t want to say them unless they are true. How can I help make this up to you? This may seem like a good idea, because these expressions of remorse would probably satisfy the accuser–if they were true.
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However, just walking away enrages an accuser and makes you look guilty. Maybe getting some space will help if you’re about to say something defensive or snarky. Getting out of there may be your natural reaction. When you feel attacked, you get triggered. Let’s look at some common reactions to blame: Walking Away. You probably know that when you get blamed, reacting quickly with a lot of oomph doesn’t solve anything, and just makes matters worse.
#NO BODY TO BLAME RIFFSTATION HOW TO#
The initial shock you feel makes it hard to know how to respond. These are the types of phrases we hear when we get blamed for something. “You screwed up.” “Where were you? You didn’t do what you were supposed to do!” “This is your fault.